The Inspector General

Governor

I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector General is coming.

Ammos Fiodorovich

What, an Inspector General?

Artemy Filippovich

What, an Inspector General?

Governor

Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with secret instructions, too.

Ammos

A pretty how-do-you-do!

Artemy

As if we hadn’t enough trouble without an Inspector!

Luka Lukich

Good Lord! With secret instructions!

Governor

I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming of two rats⁠—regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them⁠—black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then went away.⁠—Here’s a letter I’ll read to you⁠—from Andrey Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he writes: “My dear friend, godfather and benefactor⁠—He mumbles, glancing rapidly down the page.⁠—and to let you know”⁠—Ah, that’s it⁠—“I hasten to let you know, among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions to inspect the whole government, and your district especially. Raises his finger significantly. I have learned of his being here from highly trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else⁠—you are a sensible man, and you don’t let the good things that come your way slip by⁠—” Stopping. H’m, that’s his junk⁠—“I advise you to take precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn’t already, and is not staying somewhere incognito.⁠—Yesterday⁠—” The rest are family matters. “Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband.

Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath.

Bobchinsky

What an extraordinary occurrence!

Dobchinsky

An unexpected piece of news!

All

What is it? What is it?

Dobchinsky

Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn⁠—

Bobchinsky

Interrupting. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the inn⁠—

Dobchinsky

Interrupting. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me tell.

Bobchinsky

No, please, let me⁠—let me. You can’t. You haven’t got the style for it.

Dobchinsky

Oh, but you’ll get mixed up and won’t remember everything.

Bobchinsky

Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. Please don’t interrupt! Do let me tell the news⁠—don’t interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen, and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.

Governor

Speak, for Heaven’s sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth! Sit down, gentlemen, take seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here’s a chair for you. All seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky. Well, now, what is it? What is it?

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

Governor

Recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion. I have come to present my compliments, sir.

Khlestakov

Bows. How do you do, sir?

Governor

Excuse my intruding.

Khlestakov

Pray don’t mention it.

Governor

It’s my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

Khlestakov

A little halting at first, but toward the end in a loud, firm voice. Well⁠—what was⁠—to be⁠—done? It’s not⁠—my fault. I’m⁠—really going to pay. They will send me money from home. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door. He’s most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a board and the soup⁠—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so peculiar⁠—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I⁠—The idea!

Governor

Scared. Excuse me! I assure you, it’s not my fault. I always have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are sober, well-behaved people. I’m sure I don’t know where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to another place?

Khlestakov

No, I thank you. I don’t care to leave. I know what the other place is⁠—the jail. What right have you, I should like to know⁠—how dare you?⁠—Why, I’m in the government service at St. Petersburg. Puts on a bold front. I⁠—I⁠—I⁠—

Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its hills and brooks. Of course it’s not to be compared with St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our department. He slaps me on the back. “Come, brother,” he says, “and have dinner with me.” I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There’s a rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble all the time⁠—tr, tr⁠—They even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think to myself, “What do I want it for?” And the doorkeeper flies after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. “Allow me to shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich,” he says. To the Governor. Why are you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.

Governor

Our rank is such that we can very well stand.

Artemy

We don’t mind standing.

Luka

Please don’t trouble.

Khlestakov

Please sit down without the rank. The Governor and the rest sit down. I don’t like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip by unobserved. But it’s impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, “There goes Ivan Aleksandrovich!” Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed out of the guardhouse and saluted.

Khlestakov and the Judge.

Judge

Comes in and stops. Talking to himself. Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking together! Drawing himself up and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud. I have the honor to present myself⁠—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.

Khlestakov

Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?

Judge

I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I have served ever since.

Khlestakov

Does it pay to be a judge?

Judge

After serving three terms I was decorated with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval of the government. Aside. I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.

Khlestakov

I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.

Judge

Slightly extending his balled fist. Aside. Good God! I don’t know where I’m sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.

Khlestakov

What have you got in your hand there?

Ammos

Getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor. Nothing.

Khlestakov

How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.

Ammos

Shaking all over. Oh no, oh no, not at all! Aside. Oh, Lord! Now I’m under arrest and they’ve brought a wagon to take me.

Khlestakov

Yes, it is money. Picking it up.

Ammos

Aside. It’s all over with me. I’m lost! I’m lost!

Khlestakov

I tell you what⁠—lend it to me.

Ammos

Eagerly. Why, of course, of course⁠—with the greatest pleasure. Aside. Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!