The Inspector General quotes

The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little country town! As if it were on the frontier!

Why, you might gallop three years away from here and reach nowhere.

No, you don’t catch on—you don’t—The Government is shrewd. It makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the lookout all the same—

Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use no expensive medicines.

A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he’d die anyway. If he gets well, he’d get well anyway.

Besides, the doctor would have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn’t know a word of Russian.

Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out our own system.

Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better.

We use no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he’d die anyway. If he gets well, he’d get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn’t know a word of Russian.

What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are sins and sins.

I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes. I make no bones about it.

But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That’s quite a different matter.

H’m.

Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.

Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a fur overcoat worth five hundred rubles, and one’s wife a shawl—

Well, it’s a conclusion I’ve reasoned out with my own brain.

Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.

—However, I merely mentioned the courthouse. I dare say nobody will ever look at it. It’s an enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch over it. But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, ought to have an eye on the teachers.

But when he reached Alexander of Macedon, I can’t describe what came over him. Upon my word, I thought a fire had broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair and dashed it to the floor.

Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true. But that’s no reason for breaking chairs.

The state must bear the cost.

Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him about it several times. He only says: “As you please, but in the cause of learning I will even sacrifice my life.”

Yes, it’s a mysterious law of fate. Your clever man is either a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces that you feel like running away.

Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational department! One’s afraid of everything. Everybody meddles and wants to show that he is as clever as you.

Oh, I know. You needn’t teach me that.

I do it not so much as a precaution as out of curiosity. I just itch to know what’s doing in the world.

And it’s very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters are fascinating—parts of them written grand—more edifying than the Moscow Gazette.

Well, my mind’s at ease. Who’s going to visit the court? Supposing he does look at the papers, he’ll wish he had left them alone. I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a report, I despair.

King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is true and what is not true in it.

The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the latter returns.

Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You’re only a Sergeant.

Don’t graft higher than your rank.

Off with you.

So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for appearance’ sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker’s must be pulled down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look like grading.

The more debris there is the more it will show the governor’s activity.

—Good God, though, I forgot that about forty cartloads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile, filthy town this is!

Throwing the box down.

If it’s the hatbox, it’s the hatbox, the deuce take it!

—And if he asks why the church at the hospital for which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built, don’t let them forget to say that the building was begun but was destroyed by fire.

Lying on his master’s bed. The devil take it! I’m so hungry.

There’s a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing trumpets.

We’ll never reach home. I’d like to know what we are going to do. Two months already since we left St. Pete.

The devil knows, but it isn’t roast beef.

It’s roast iron, not roast beef.

Eats. Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. Picks his teeth with his fingers. Villains! It’s as tough as the bark of a tree.

Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life!

On an empty stomach any load seems heavy.

Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?

I did it just by chance. I hadn’t meant to write, but a theatrical manager said, “Won’t you please write something for me?” I thought to myself: “All right, why not?” So I did it all in one evening, surprised everybody.

I am extraordinarily light of thought.

All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.

I wish I hadn’t given him so much to drink. Suppose even half of what he said is true? Sunk in thought. How can it not be true?

A man in his cups is always on the surface. What’s in his heart is on his tongue.

Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the more you think the less you know what’s going on in your head.

Suppose even half of what he said is true? Sunk in thought. How can it not be true? A man in his cups is always on the surface. What’s in his heart is on his tongue. Of course he fibbed a little.

No talking is possible without some lying.

He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the more you think the less you know what’s going on in your head.

You are making fun of me. You’re only ridiculing the provincials.

Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.

I haven’t the least idea what you are talking about—scarf!—Peculiar weather today, isn’t it?

I haven’t the least idea what you are talking about—scarf!—Peculiar weather today, isn’t it?

Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.

You are just saying that—I should like to ask you—I’d rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know very many.

What! You on your knees?

Please get up, please get up. This floor isn’t very clean.

No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or death?

When you are still little boys and don’t know the Lord’s Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels!

Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, that’s why you put on an air of importance.

I spit on your heads and on your importance.

“We,” you say, “are as good as the nobility.” Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful. And you—start out in life learning trickery.

Your master beats you for not being able to cheat.

When you are still little boys and don’t know the Lord’s Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels!

Don’t be angry!

Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now.

But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.

It must have been fate that so ordained.

Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen.

It was the Governor’s services that brought him this piece of fortune. Aside. Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.

Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor’s services that brought him this piece of fortune. Aside.

Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.

If you like, Anton Antonovich, I’ll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.

Aside. The things he’ll do when he becomes a general.

A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow.

It’s a far cry to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven’t been made generals yet.

She’s always been that way. I know her.

Seat her at table and she’ll put her feet on it.

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

Do you know that he’s going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?

Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away.

I’d rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.

To the audience.

Not a bit witty. A pig in a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap?

Continues reading. “The School Inspector reeks of onions.”

To the audience.

Upon my word, I never put an onion to my mouth.

Aside. Thank God, there’s nothing about me in it.

Aside.

Thank God, there’s nothing about me in it.

There! Aloud. Ladies and gentlemen, I think the letter is far too long. To the devil with it! Why should we go on reading such trash?