The Importance of Being Earnest

Scene: Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.

Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon enters.

Algernon

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

Lane

I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

Algernon

I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately⁠—anyone can play accurately⁠—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

Lane

Yes, sir.

Algernon

And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

Lane

Yes, sir. Hands them on a salver.

Algernon

Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa. Oh!⁠ ⁠… by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.

Lane

Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.

Algernon

Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.

Lane

I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

Algernon

Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?

Jack

My dear Algy, I don’t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It’s one’s duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one’s health or one’s happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.

Algernon

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!

Jack

That wouldn’t be at all a bad thing.

Algernon

Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don’t try it. You should leave that to people who haven’t been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.

Jack

What on earth do you mean?

Algernon

You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable.

Lady Bracknell

To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?

Jack

I am afraid I really don’t know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me⁠ ⁠… I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was⁠ ⁠… well, I was found.

Lady Bracknell

Found!

Jack

The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

Lady Bracknell

Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?

Jack

Gravely. In a handbag.

Lady Bracknell

A handbag?

Jack

Very seriously. Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag⁠—a somewhat large, black leather handbag, with handles to it⁠—an ordinary handbag in fact.

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone else.

Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair. He does!

Algernon

Raising his hat. You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure.

Cecily

You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. Algernon is rather taken aback. But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.

Algernon

Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked.

Cecily

If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Algernon

Looks at her in amazement. Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless.

Cecily

I am glad to hear it.

Algernon

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.

Cecily

I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

Algernon

It is much pleasanter being here with you.

Gwendolen

Quite politely, rising. My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest.

Cecily

Very politely, rising. I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. Shows diary.

Gwendolen

Examines diary through her lorgnette carefully. It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5:30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. Produces diary of her own. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.

Cecily

It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.

Gwendolen

Meditatively. If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.

Cecily

Thoughtfully and sadly. Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.

Gwendolen