Major Barbara

Her son, Stephen, comes in. He is a gravely correct young man under 25, taking himself very seriously, but still in some awe of his mother, from childish habit and bachelor shyness rather than from any weakness of character.

Stephen

What’s the matter?

Lady Britomart

Presently, Stephen.

Stephen submissively walks to the settee and sits down. He takes up The Speaker.

Lady Britomart

Don’t begin to read, Stephen. I shall require all your attention.

Stephen

It was only while I was waiting⁠—

Lady Britomart

Don’t make excuses, Stephen. He puts down The Speaker. Now! She finishes her writing; rises; and comes to the settee. I have not kept you waiting very long, I think.

Stephen

Not at all, mother.

Lady Britomart

Bring me my cushion. He takes the cushion from the chair at the desk and arranges it for her as she sits down on the settee. Sit down. He sits down and fingers his tie nervously. Don’t fiddle with your tie, Stephen: there is nothing the matter with it.

Stephen

I beg your pardon. He fiddles with his watch chain instead.

Lady Britomart

Now are you attending to me, Stephen?

Stephen

Of course, mother.

Lady Britomart

No: it’s not of course. I want something much more than your everyday matter-of-course attention. I am going to speak to you very seriously, Stephen. I wish you would let that chain alone.

Stephen

Hastily relinquishing the chain. Have I done anything to annoy you, mother? If so, it was quite unintentional.

Lady Britomart

Astonished. Nonsense! With some remorse. My poor boy, did you think I was angry with you?

Morrison

At the door. The⁠—er⁠—Mr. Undershaft. He retreats in confusion.

Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Lady Britomart meets him in the middle of the room behind the settee.

Andrew is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoing elderly man, with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is also a little shy in his present very delicate situation.

Lady Britomart

Good evening, Andrew.

Undershaft

How d’ye do, my dear.

Lady Britomart

You look a good deal older.

Undershaft

Apologetically. I am somewhat older. With a touch of courtship. Time has stood still with you.

Lady Britomart

Promptly. Rubbish! This is your family.

Undershaft

Surprised. Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing very badly in some things. He offers his hand with paternal kindness to Lomax.

Lomax

Jerkily shaking his hand. Ahdedoo.

Undershaft

I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet you again, my boy.

Lomax

Remonstrating. No but look here don’t you know⁠—Overcome. Oh I say!

Undershaft and Adolphus now have the yard to themselves. Undershaft, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks hard at Adolphus. Adolphus looks hard at him.

Undershaft

I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins. Cusins flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound. Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out!

Cusins

You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion?

Undershaft

Yes.

Cusins

Anything out of the common?

Undershaft

Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation.

Cusins

Disappointed, but polite. Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church.

Undershaft

The two things are⁠—

Cusins

Baptism and⁠—

Undershaft

No. Money and gunpowder.

Cusins

Surprised, but interested. That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

Undershaft

Just so.

Cusins

Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?

Undershaft

Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.

Cusins

Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?

Undershaft

Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.

Cusins

That is your religion?

Rather a difficult case, Stephen. Hardly anything left but the stage, is there? Stephen makes an impatient movement. Well, come! is there anything you know or care for?

Stephen

Rising and looking at him steadily. I know the difference between right and wrong.

Undershaft

Hugely tickled. You don’t say so! What! no capacity for business, no knowledge of law, no sympathy with art, no pretension to philosophy; only a simple knowledge of the secret that has puzzled all the philosophers, baffled all the lawyers, muddled all the men of business, and ruined most of the artists: the secret of right and wrong. Why, man, you’re a genius, master of masters, a god! At twenty-four, too!

Stephen

Keeping his temper with difficulty. You are pleased to be facetious. I pretend to nothing more than any honorable English gentleman claims as his birthright he sits down angrily.

Undershaft

Oh, that’s everybody’s birthright. Look at poor little Jenny Hill, the Salvation lassie! she would think you were laughing at her if you asked her to stand up in the street and teach grammar or geography or mathematics or even drawing-room dancing; but it never occurs to her to doubt that she can teach morals and religion. You are all alike, you respectable people. You can’t tell me the bursting strain of a ten-inch gun, which is a very simple matter; but you all think you can tell me the bursting strain of a man under temptation. You daren’t handle high explosives; but you’re all ready to handle honesty and truth and justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another at that game. What a country! what a world!