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Hay Fever

by Noël Coward

Length: 18,069 words, about 72 pages, about 1 hour to read

Drama, Satire and humour

Read Hay Fever free, starting with its best pages and lines below. Listen to it free too, read aloud by your phone's own voice.

What it is

A well-to-do family cannot be civil to each other in front of their weekend guests.

The best passages

Pages from the book itself, chosen to make you want to read on. Each opens in the reader at that exact spot.

Act I

Scene: The hall of David Bliss’s house is very comfortable and extremely untidy. There are several of Simon’s cartoons scattered about the walls, masses of highly coloured American and classical music strewn about the piano, and lots of flowers and comfortable furniture. A staircase ascends to a small balcony leading to the bedrooms, David’s study and Simon’s room. There is a door leading to the library down R. A service door above it under the stairs. There are French windows at back, and the front door on the L.

When the curtain rises it is about three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon in June.

Simon, in an extremely dirty tennis shirt and baggy grey flannel trousers, is crouched in the middle of the floor, cutting out squares from cartridge paper.

Sorel, more neatly dressed, is stretched on the sofa, reading a very violently bound volume of poems which have been sent to her by an aspiring friend.

Sorel

Listen to this, Simon. She reads. “Love’s a Trollop stained with wine⁠—Clawing at the breasts of Adolescence⁠—Nuzzling, tearing, shrieking, beating⁠—God, why were we fashioned so!” She laughs.

Simon

The poor girl’s potty.

Sorel

I wish she hadn’t sent me the beastly book. I must say something nice about it.

Simon

The binding’s very dashing.

Sorel

She used to be such fun before she married that gloomy little man.

Simon

She was always a fierce poseuse. It’s so silly of people to try and cultivate the artistic temperament. Au fond she’s just a normal, bouncing Englishwoman.

Sorel

You didn’t shave this morning.

Keep reading from here

Act I

Sorel

Who is he, Mother?

Judith

He’s a perfect darling, and madly in love with me⁠—at least, it isn’t me really, it’s my Celebrated Actress glamour⁠—but it gives me a divinely cosy feeling. I met him at Nora Trent’s.

Sorel

Mother, I wish you’d give up this sort of thing.

Judith

What exactly do you mean by “this sort of thing,” Sorel?

Sorel

You know perfectly well what I mean.

Judith

Are you attempting to criticise me?

Sorel

I should have thought you’d be above encouraging silly callow young men who are infatuated by your name.

Judith

That may be true, but I shall allow nobody but myself to say it. I hoped you’d grow up a good daughter to me, not a critical aunt.

Sorel

It’s so terribly cheap.

Judith

Cheap! Nonsense! What about your diplomatist?

Sorel

Surely that’s a little different, dear?

Judith

If you mean that because you happen to be a vigorous ingénue of nineteen you have the complete monopoly of any amorous adventure there may be about, I feel it my firm duty to disillusion you.

Keep reading from here

Act I

David

I don’t want to be disturbed. He takes his tray and goes upstairs; then he turns. Listen, Simon. There’s a perfectly sweet flapper coming down by the four-thirty. Will you go and meet her and be nice to her? She’s an abject fool, but a useful type, and I want to study her a little in domestic surroundings. She can sleep in the Japanese room.

He goes off, leaving behind him a deathly silence.

Judith

I should like someone to play something very beautiful to me on the piano.

Simon

Damn everything! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Sorel

Swearing doesn’t help.

Simon

It helps me a lot.

Sorel

What does Father mean by going on like that?

Judith

In view of the imminent reception, you’d better go and shave, Simon.

Sorel

Bursting into tears of rage. It’s perfectly beastly! Whenever I make any sort of plan about anything it’s always done in by someone. I wish I were earning my own living somewhere⁠—a free agent⁠—able to do whatever I liked without being cluttered up and frustrated by the family⁠—

Judith

Picturesquely. It grieves me to hear you say that, Sorel.

Keep reading from here

Act II

Producing case. Certainly.

Judith

Taking one. That’s a divine case.

Richard

It was given to me in Japan three years ago. All those little designs mean things.

Judith

Bending over it. What sort of things?

Richard

Charms for happiness, and luck, and⁠—love.

Judith

Which is the charm for love?

Richard

That one.

Judith

What a dear!

Richard

Kissing her gently. Judith!

Judith

Jumping. Richard!

Richard

I’m afraid I couldn’t help it.

Judith

Dramatically. What are we to do? What are we to do?

Richard

I don’t know.

Judith

David must be told⁠—everything!

Richard

Alarmed. Everything?

Judith

Enjoying herself. Yes, yes. There come moments in life when it is necessary to be honest⁠—absolutely honest. I’ve trained myself always to shun the underhand methods other women so often employ⁠—the truth must be faced fair and square⁠—

Richard

Extremely alarmed. The truth? I don’t quite understand.

Judith

Dear Richard, you want to spare me, I know⁠—you’re so chivalrous; but it’s no use. After all, as I said before, David has been a good husband to me, according to his lights. This may, of course, break him up rather, but it can’t be helped; he must be told. I wonder⁠—oh, I wonder how he’ll take it. They say suffering’s good for writers, it strengthens their psychology. Oh, my poor, poor David!⁠—Never mind. You’d better go out into the garden and wait⁠—

Richard

Flustered. Wait? What for?

Judith

For me, Richard, for me. I will come to you later. Wait in the summerhouse. I had begun to think that Romance was dead, that I should never know it again.

Keep reading from here

Act II

Judith

Ssshh! It has gone beyond superficial apologies.

Sorel

Mother, be natural for a minute.

Judith

I don’t know what you mean, Sorel. I’m trying to realise a very bitter truth as calmly as I can.

Sorel

There’s nothing so very bitter about it.

Judith

My poor child!

Sorel

Suddenly. Very well, then! I love Sandy, and he loves me!

Judith

That would be the only possible excuse for your behaviour.

Sorel

Why shouldn’t we love each other if we want to?

Judith

Sandy was in love with me this afternoon.

Sorel

Not real love⁠—you know it wasn’t.

Judith

Bitterly. I know now.

Sandy

I say⁠—look here⁠—I’m most awfully sorry.

Judith

There’s nothing to be sorry for, really; it’s my fault for having been so⁠—so ridiculous.

Sorel

Mother!

Judith

Sadly. Yes, ridiculous. I’m getting old, old, and the sooner I face it the better.

Sorel

Hopelessly. But, darling.⁠ ⁠…

Judith

Splendidly. Youth will be served. You’re so pretty, Sorel, far prettier than I ever was⁠—I’m very glad you’re pretty.

Sandy

I feel a fearful cad.

Judith

Why should you? You’ve answered the only call that really counts⁠—the call of Love, and Romance, and Spring. I forgive you, Sandy, completely. There.

Sorel

Well, that’s all right, then.

Keep reading from here

10 of the best lines

The poor girl’s potty.

Act IKeep reading from here

I hoped you’d grow up a good daughter to me, not a critical aunt.

Act IKeep reading from here

Pert I may be, but I ’ave got some thought for others.

Act IKeep reading from here

I’ve been mentally chilled to the marrow by Judith’s attitude.

Act IKeep reading from here

Talk, talk, talk! Everybody talks too much.

Act IIKeep reading from here

I think it’s rather tragic, at your time of life.

Act IIKeep reading from here

Even a cuckoo has charm, in moderation.

Act IIKeep reading from here

October is such a mournful month in England.

Act IIKeep reading from here

It’s a great pity you ever left the stage, Judith⁠—it’s your rightful home.

Act IIKeep reading from here

It’s so silly to get cross at criticism⁠—it indicates a small mind.

Act IIIKeep reading from here

All 25 Hay Fever quotes, with the words around each

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Contents

  1. Act I
  2. Act II
  3. Act III

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About this edition

Text from Standard Ebooks. Standard Ebooks dedicate their edition to the public domain (CC0 1.0). Every passage and line on this page is the book's own words, checked against the text.