The Country Wife

Horner’s lodging.

Enter Horner, and Quack following him at a distance.

Horner

Aside. A quack is as fit for a pimp, as a midwife for a bawd; they are still but in their way, both helpers of nature.⁠—Aloud. Well, my dear doctor, hast thou done what I desired?

Quack

I have undone you forever with the women, and reported you throughout the whole town as bad as an eunuch, with as much trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.

Horner

But have you told all the midwives you know, the orange wenches at the playhouses, the city husbands, and old fumbling keepers of this end of the town? for they’ll be the readiest to report it.

Quack

I have told all the chambermaids, waiting-women, tire-women, and old women of my acquaintance; nay, and whispered it as a secret to ’em, and to the whisperers of Whitehall; so that you need not doubt ’twill spread, and you will be as odious to the handsome young women, as⁠—

Horner

As the smallpox. Well⁠—

Quack

And to the married women of this end of the town, as⁠—

Horner

As the great one; nay, as their own husbands.

Quack

And to the city dames, as aniseed Robin, of filthy and contemptible memory; and they will frighten their children with your name, especially their females.

Horner

And cry, Horner’s coming to carry you away. I am only afraid ’twill not be believed.

Exit.

Enter Pinchwife.

Horner

Who have we here? Pinchwife?

Pinchwife

Gentlemen, your humble servant.

Horner

Well, Jack, by thy long absence from the town, the grumness of thy countenance, and the slovenliness of thy habit, I should give thee joy, should I not, of marriage?

Pinchwife

Aside. Death! does he know I’m married too? I thought to have concealed it from him at least.⁠—Aloud. My long stay in the country will excuse my dress; and I have a suit of law that brings me up to town, that puts me out of humour. Besides, I must give Sparkish tomorrow five thousand pounds to lie with my sister.

Horner

Nay, you country gentlemen, rather than not purchase, will buy anything; and he is a cracked title, if we may quibble. Well, but am I to give thee joy? I heard thou wert married.

Pinchwife

What then?

Horner

Why, the next thing that is to be heard, is, thou’rt a cuckold.

Pinchwife

Insupportable name! Aside.

Horner

But I did not expect marriage from such a whoremaster as you; one that knew the town so much, and women so well.

Pinchwife

Why, I have married no London wife.

Horner

Pshaw! that’s all one. That grave circumspection in marrying a country wife, is like refusing a deceitful pampered Smithfield jade, to go and be cheated by a friend in the country.

Pinchwife

Aside. A pox on him and his simile!⁠—Aloud. At least we are a little surer of the breed there, know what her keeping has been, whether foiled or unsound.

Horner

Come, come, I have known a clap gotten in Wales; and there are cousins, justices’ clerks, and chaplains in the country, I won’t say coachmen. But she’s handsome and young?

A room in Pinchwife’s house.

Mrs. Margery Pinchwife and Alithea. Pinchwife peeping behind at the door.

Mrs. Pinchwife

Pray, sister, where are the best fields and woods to walk in, in London?

Alithea

Aside. A pretty question!⁠—Aloud. Why, sister, Mulberry-garden and St. James’s park; and, for close walks, the New Exchange.

Mrs. Pinchwife

Pray, sister, tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town, and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a-walking, nor let me wear my best gown yesterday.

Alithea

O, he’s jealous, sister.

Mrs. Pinchwife

Jealous! what’s that?

Alithea

He’s afraid you should love another man.

Mrs. Pinchwife

How should he be afraid of my loving another man, when he will not let me see any but himself?

Alithea

Did he not carry you yesterday to a play?

Mrs. Pinchwife

Ay; but we sat amongst ugly people. He would not let me come near the gentry, who sat under us, so that I could not see ’em. He told me, none but naughty women sat there, whom they toused and moused. But I would have ventured, for all that.

Alithea

But how did you like the play?

Mrs. Pinchwife

Indeed I was weary of the play; but I liked hugeously the actors. They are the goodliest, properest men, sister!

Alithea

O, but you must not like the actors, sister.

Mrs. Pinchwife

Ay, how should I help it, sister? Pray, sister, when my husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a-walking?

Alithea

“For Mr. Horner.”⁠—So, I am glad he has told me his name. Dear Mr. Horner! but why should I send thee such a letter that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me?⁠—Well, I will not send it.⁠—Ay, but then my husband will kill me⁠—for I see plainly he won’t let me love Mr. Horner⁠—but what care I for my husband?⁠—I won’t, so I won’t, send poor Mr. Horner such a letter⁠—But then my husband⁠—but oh, what if I writ at bottom my husband made me write it?⁠—Ay, but then my husband would see’t⁠—Can one have no shift? ah, a London woman would have had a hundred presently. Stay⁠—what if I should write a letter, and wrap it up like this, and write upon’t too? Ay, but then my husband would see’t⁠—I don’t know what to do.⁠—But yet evads I’ll try, so I will⁠—for I will not send this letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will on’t.

“Dear, sweet Mr. Horner”⁠—Writes and repeats what she writes.⁠—so⁠—“my husband would have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly letter; but I won’t”⁠—so⁠—“and would have me forbid you loving me; but I won’t”⁠—so⁠—“and would have me say to you, I hate you, poor Mr. Horner; but I won’t tell a lie for him”⁠—there⁠—“for I’m sure if you and I were in the country at cards together”⁠—so⁠—“I could not help treading on your toe under the table”⁠—so⁠—“or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, till you saw me”⁠—very well⁠—“and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together”⁠—so⁠—“but I must make haste before my husband comes: and