She Stoops to Conquer

Scene I. A Chamber in an old-fashioned house.

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Mr. Hardcastle.

Mrs. Hardcastle

I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re very particular. Is there a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There’s the two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month’s polishing every winter.

Hardcastle

Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they travel faster than a stagecoach. Its fopperies come down not only as inside passengers, but in the very basket.

Mrs. Hardcastle

Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate’s wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery.

Hardcastle

And I love it. I love everything that’s old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy, Taking her hand. you’ll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife.

Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for information.

Tony

Nor the way you came?

Hastings

No, sir: but if you can inform us⁠—

Tony

Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform you is, that⁠—you have lost your way.

Marlow

We wanted no ghost to tell us that.

Tony

Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from whence you came?

Marlow

That’s not necessary towards directing us where we are to go.

Tony

No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a pretty son?

Hastings

We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you mention.

Tony

The daughter, a tall, traipsing, trolloping, talkative Maypole; the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond of?

Marlow

Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and spoiled at his mother’s apron-string.

Tony

He-he-hem!⁠—Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you won’t reach Mr. Hardcastle’s house this night, I believe.

Hastings

Unfortunate!

Tony

You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance.

Marlow

The Englishman’s malady. But tell me, George, where could I have learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don’t know that I was ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman, except my mother. But among females of another class, you know⁠—

Hastings

Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience.

Marlow

They are of us, you know.

Hastings

But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of the room.

Marlow

Why, man, that’s because I do want to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away at any rate. But I don’t know how, a single glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty; but I’ll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence.

It will do, madam. But he’s here.

Exit Maid.

Enter Marlow.

Marlow

What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a moment’s repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and his story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her curtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and now for recollection. Walks and muses.

Miss Hardcastle

Did you call, sir? Did your honour call?

Marlow

Musing. As for Miss Hardcastle, she’s too grave and sentimental for me.

Miss Hardcastle

Did your honour call? She still places herself before him, he turning away.

Marlow

No, child. Musing. Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I think she squints.

Miss Hardcastle

I’m sure, sir, I heard the bell ring.

Marlow

No, no. Musing. I have pleased my father, however, by coming down, and I’ll tomorrow please myself by returning. Taking out his tablets, and perusing.

Miss Hardcastle

Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir?

Marlow

I tell you, no.

Miss Hardcastle

I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a parcel of servants!

Marlow

No, no, I tell you. Looks full in her face. Yes, child, I think I did call. I wanted⁠—I wanted⁠—I vow, child, you are vastly handsome.

Miss Hardcastle

Oh, la, sir, you’ll make one ashamed.

Hardcastle

I tell you, sir, I’m serious! and now that my passions are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command you to leave it directly.

Marlow

Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan’t stir a step, I assure you. In a serious tone. This your house, fellow! It’s my house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before.

Hardcastle

Nor I, confound me if ever I did! To come to my house, to call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, “This house is mine, sir.” By all that’s impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! ha! ha! Pray, sir, Bantering. as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture? There’s a pair of silver candlesticks, and there’s a fire screen, and here’s a pair of brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them?

Marlow

Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let’s make no more words about it.

Hardcastle

There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the Rake’s Progress, for your own apartment?

Marlow

Bring me your bill, I say; and I’ll leave you and your infernal house directly.