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Zuleika Dobson

by Max Beerbohm

Length: 81,502 words, about 326 pages, about 6 hours to read

Romance, Satire and humour

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What it is

A beautiful magician unsuspectingly casts her charms on quiet Oxford.

The best passages

Pages from the book itself, chosen to make you want to read on. Each opens in the reader at that exact spot.

Chapter I

That old bell, presage of a train, had just sounded through Oxford station; and the undergraduates who were waiting there, gay figures in tweed or flannel, moved to the margin of the platform and gazed idly up the line. Young and careless, in the glow of the afternoon sunshine, they struck a sharp note of incongruity with the worn boards they stood on, with the fading signals and grey eternal walls of that antique station, which, familiar to them and insignificant, does yet whisper to the tourist the last enchantments of the Middle Age.

At the door of the first-class waiting-room, aloof and venerable, stood the Warden of Judas. An ebon pillar of tradition seemed he, in his garb of old-fashioned cleric. Aloft, between the wide brim of his silk hat and the white extent of his shirtfront, appeared those eyes which hawks, that nose which eagles, had often envied. He supported his years on an ebon stick. He alone was worthy of the background.

Came a whistle from the distance. The breast of an engine was descried, and a long train curving after it, under a flight of smoke. It grew and grew. Louder and louder, its noise foreran it. It became a furious, enormous monster, and, with an instinct for safety, all men receded from the platform’s margin. (Yet came there with it, unknown to them, a danger far more terrible than itself.) Into the station it came blustering, with cloud and clangour. Ere it had yet stopped, the door of one carriage flew open, and from it, in a white travelling dress, in a toque a-twinkle with fine diamonds, a lithe and radiant creature slipped nimbly down to the platform.

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Chapter III

The clock in the Warden’s drawing-room had just struck eight, and already the ducal feet were beautiful on the white bearskin hearthrug. So slim and long were they, of instep so nobly arched, that only with a pair of glazed ox-tongues on a breakfast-table were they comparable. Incomparable quite, the figure and face and vesture of him who ended in them.

The Warden was talking to him, with all the deference of elderly commoner to patrician boy. The other guests⁠—an Oriel don and his wife⁠—were listening with earnest smile and submissive droop, at a slight distance. Now and again, to put themselves at their ease, they exchanged in undertone a word or two about the weather.

“The young lady whom you may have noticed with me,” the Warden was saying, “is my orphaned granddaughter.” (The wife of the Oriel don discarded her smile, and sighed, with a glance at the Duke, who was himself an orphan.) “She has come to stay with me.” (The Duke glanced quickly round the room.) “I cannot think why she is not down yet.” (The Oriel don fixed his eyes on the clock, as though he suspected it of being fast.) “I must ask you to forgive her. She appears to be a bright, pleasant young woman.”

“Married?” asked the Duke.

“No,” said the Warden; and a cloud of annoyance crossed the boy’s face. “No; she devotes her life entirely to good works.”

“A hospital nurse?” the Duke murmured.

“No, Zuleika’s appointed task is to induce delightful wonder rather than to alleviate pain. She performs conjuring-tricks.”

“Not⁠—not Miss Zuleika Dobson?” cried the Duke.

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Chapter IV

“Miss Dobson will stay to luncheon,” said the Duke. The girl withdrew. He wished he could have asked her not to.

He steeled himself. “Miss Dobson,” he said, “I wish to apologise to you.”

Zuleika looked at him eagerly. “You can’t give me luncheon? You’ve got something better to do?”

“No. I wish to ask you to forgive me for my behaviour last night.”

“There is nothing to forgive.”

“There is. My manners were vile. I know well what happened. Though you, too, cannot have forgotten, I won’t spare myself the recital. You were my hostess, and I ignored you. Magnanimous, you paid me the prettiest compliment woman ever paid to man, and I insulted you. I left the house in order that I might not see you again. To the doorsteps down which he should have kicked me, your grandfather followed me with words of kindliest courtesy. If he had sped me with a kick so skilful that my skull had been shattered on the kerb, neither would he have outstepped those bounds set to the conduct of English gentlemen, nor would you have garnered more than a trifle on account of your proper reckoning. I do not say that you are the first person whom I have wantonly injured. But it is a fact that I, in whom pride has ever been the topmost quality, have never expressed sorrow to anyone for anything. Thus, I might urge that my present abjectness must be intolerably painful to me, and should incline you to forgive. But such an argument were specious merely. I will be quite frank with you. I will confess to you that, in this humbling of myself before you, I take a pleasure as passionate as it is strange. A confusion of feelings?

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Chapter V

“No, I haven’t,” said Zuleika.

“Then what,” cried the Duke, standing over her, “what is your reply?”

Said Zuleika, looking up at him, “My reply is that I think you are an awful snob.”

The Duke turned on his heel, and strode to the other end of the room. There he stood for some moments, his back to Zuleika.

“I think,” she resumed in a slow, meditative voice, “that you are, with the possible exception of a Mr. Edelweiss, the most awful snob I have ever met.”

The Duke looked back over his shoulder. He gave Zuleika the stinging reprimand of silence. She was sorry, and showed it in her eyes. She felt she had gone too far. True, he was nothing to her now. But she had loved him once. She could not forget that.

“Come!” she said. “Let us be good friends. Give me your hand!” He came to her, slowly. “There!”

The Duke withdrew his fingers before she unclasped them. That twice-flung taunt rankled still. It was monstrous to have been called a snob. A snob!⁠—he, whose readiness to form what would certainly be regarded as a shocking misalliance ought to have stifled the charge, not merely vindicated him from it! He had forgotten, in the blindness of his love, how shocking the misalliance would be. Perhaps she, unloving, had not been so forgetful? Perhaps her refusal had been made, generously, for his own sake. Nay, rather for her own. Evidently, she had felt that the high sphere from which he beckoned was no place for the likes of her.

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Chapter X

And besides⁠ ⁠…

Again that sound on the windowpane. This time it startled her. There seemed to be no rain. Could it have been⁠—little bits of gravel? She darted noiselessly to the window, pushed it open, and looked down. She saw the upturned face of the Duke. She stepped back, trembling with fury, staring around her. Inspiration came.

She thrust her head out again. “Are you there?” she whispered.

“Yes, yes. I knew you would come.”

“Wait a moment, wait!”

The water-jug stood where she had left it, on the floor by the washstand. It was almost full, rather heavy. She bore it steadily to the window, and looked out.

“Come a little nearer!” she whispered.

The upturned and moonlit face obeyed her. She saw its lips forming the word “Zuleika.” She took careful aim.

Full on the face crashed the cascade of moonlit water, shooting out on all sides like the petals of some great silver anemone.

She laughed shrilly as she leapt back, letting the empty jug roll over on the carpet. Then she stood tense, crouching, her hands to her mouth, her eyes askance, as much as to say “Now I’ve done it!” She listened hard, holding her breath. In the stillness of the night was a faint sound of dripping water, and presently of footsteps going away. Then stillness unbroken.

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10 of the best lines

She was one of those who are born to make chaos cosmic.

Chapter IIKeep reading from here

“Oh, a man doesn’t necessarily drive a woman away because he isn’t in love with her.”

Chapter IVKeep reading from here

Death was the one true bridal.

Chapter VIKeep reading from here

Aye, by all minerals we are mocked.

Chapter VIIKeep reading from here

No man really in love can forgive another for not sharing his ardour.

Chapter VIIIKeep reading from here

The moon, looking like nothing whatsoever but herself, was engaged in her old and futile endeavour to mark the hours correctly on the sundial at the centre of the lawn.

Chapter IXKeep reading from here

Hardly a day passed but he appeared in what he hoped would be the irresistible form⁠—a recently discovered fragment of Polybius, an advance copy of the forthcoming issue of The Historical Review, the notebook of Professor Carl Vöertschlaffen⁠ ⁠…

Chapter XIKeep reading from here

Out through the railings, and across the road, prowled a skimpy and dingy cat, trying to look like a tiger.

Chapter XIVKeep reading from here

Down the stairs he passed, and “Oh,” every stair creaked faintly, “I ought to have been marble!”

Chapter XVIIIKeep reading from here

“Yes. I am an epidemic, grand-papa, a scourge, such as the world has not known. Those young men drowned themselves for love of me.”

Chapter XXIIIKeep reading from here

All 26 Zuleika Dobson quotes, with the words around each

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Contents

All 25 parts
  1. Note to the 1922 Edition
  2. Chapter I
  3. Chapter II
  4. Chapter III
  5. Chapter IV
  6. Chapter V
  7. Chapter VI
  8. Chapter VII
  9. Chapter VIII
  10. Chapter IX
  11. Chapter X
  12. Chapter XI
  13. Chapter XII
  14. Chapter XIII
  15. Chapter XIV
  16. Chapter XV
  17. Chapter XVI
  18. Chapter XVII
  19. Chapter XVIII
  20. Chapter XIX
  21. Chapter XX
  22. Chapter XXI
  23. Chapter XXII
  24. Chapter XXIII
  25. Chapter XXIV

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About this edition

Text from Standard Ebooks. Standard Ebooks dedicate their edition to the public domain (CC0 1.0). Every passage and line on this page is the book's own words, checked against the text.