Our American Cousin quotes

Comes down, L. Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What does the postman bring?

Well, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.

There. Gives letter. Lord Dundreary opens letter and Florence Trenchard goes up R. Lord Dundreary knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated extreme R.

I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.

I never can forget⁠—when I can recollect.

Then recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.

Upon my word, I never inquired.

Because the tail can’t waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!

Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?

Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you—my brother told us to expect you.

Wal, yes, I guess you do b’long to my family. I’m Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state.

You’re my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain’t got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.

You’re my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain’t got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.

Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain’t, you’ve got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn’t be alarmed, I ain’t going to kiss you.

Here’s your young man’s letter. Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.

Oh! let’s hear Dundreary’s idea.

It’s so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me.

Let us get a pickle bottle.

Did that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?

I’m as dry as a sap-tree in August.

Throwing open, E. D. Luncheon!

Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?

Pork’s been here, but he’s left.

And where on airth’s the clam chowder?

Yes,

I’ll give you a drink that’ll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, what’ll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?

Give him a Jersey Lightning. As Lord Dundreary drinks.

Warranted to kill at forty rods.

Lord Dundreary falls back on Mrs. Mountchessington and Georgina.

She never sneezed. I’ll tell you what a sneeze is.

Imagine a very large spider.

No, no, I don’t mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it and can’t get it out again.

Yes, by the way, do you understand anything about dairies in America?

Wal, I guess I do know something about cow juice.

They turn to smother laugh. Why, if it ain’t all as bright and clean as a fresh washed shirt just off the clover, and is this all your doin’s, Miss?

Yes, sir, I milk the cows, set up the milk, superintend the churning and make the cheese.

Wal, darn me if you ain’t the first raal right down useful gal I’ve seen on this side the pond.

What’s that, sir? Do you want to make me jealous?

Puts arm on shoulder. Asa Trenchard repeats Lord Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.

He’s mad, he’s deaf, he squints, stammers and he’s a hopper.

Now, look here, you get the Lieutenant a ship and I’ll give you the bottle. It’s a fine swap.

You crave affection, you do.

Now I’ve no fortune, but I’m filling over with affections which I’m ready to pour out all over you like apple sass, over roast pork.

Mr. Trenchard, you will please recollect you are addressing my daughter, and in my presence.

Say it again, last of hope and blessed promise. Clasps her in his arms. Mary, there’s something tells me that you’ll not repent it.

I’m rough, Mary, awful rough, but you needn’t fear that I’ll ever be rough to you.

I’ve camped out in the woods, Mary, often and often, and seen the bears at play with their cubs in the moonlight, the glistening teeth, that would tear the hunter, was harmless to them;

To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married!

Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera.

I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter.