Jack Keefe Stories quotes

Friend Al: Well, Al old pal I suppose you seen in the paper where I been sold to the White Sox. Believe me Al it comes as a surprise to me and I bet it did to all you good old pals down home.

You could of knocked me over with a feather when the old man come up to me and says Jack I’ve sold you to the Chicago Americans.

I didn’t have no idea that anything like that was coming off. For five minutes I was just dum and couldn’t say a word.

He says Well do you want to sign? I says Yes if I get my figure. He asks What is my figure and I says three thousand dollars per annum. He says Don’t you want the office furniture too?

Then he says I thought you was a young ballplayer and I didn’t know you wanted to buy my park.

We kidded each other back and forth like that a while and then he says You better go out and get the air and come back when you feel better.

He says There ain’t no extra charge for using the forks. He says You shouldn’t ought to eat so much because you’re overweight now. I says You may think I am fat, but it’s all solid bone and muscle.

He says Yes I suppose it’s all solid bone from the neck up.

I guess he thought I would get sore but I will let them kid me now because they will take off their hats to me when they see me work.

He says Of course you have but if you wind up like that with Cobb on base he will steal your watch and chain. I says Maybe Cobb can’t get on base when I work against him.

He says That’s right and maybe San Francisco Bay is made of grapejuice.

Then he walks away from me.

He says I use my fadeaway. I says How do you throw it? He says Just like you throw a fast ball to anybody else. I says Why do you call it a fadeaway then?

He says Because when I throw it to Baker it fades away over the fence.

This place is full of Indians and I wish you could see them Al. They don’t look nothing like the Indians we seen in that show last summer.

I says I don’t think so much of him. He says Well I guess you ain’t learned nothing then. He says What was the matter with Johnson’s work? I says He ain’t got nothing but a fast ball.

Then he says Yes and Rockefeller ain’t got nothing but a hundred million bucks.

Well I asked Callahan if he was going to give me a chance to work and he says he was. But I sat on the bench a couple of days and he didn’t ask me to do nothing.

Gleason slapped me on the back after the game and says Well you learned something after all. Rub some arnicky on your head to keep the swelling down and you may be a real pitcher yet. I says I ain’t got no swell head.

He says No. If I hated myself like you do I would be a moveing picture actor.

Well I asked Callahan would he let me pitch up to Detroit and he says Sure. He says Do you want to get revenge on them? I says, Yes I did. He says Well you have certainly got some comeing.

Gleason made me go to my room at ten o’clock both nights but I was pretty tired anyway because he had walked me all over town. I guess we must of saw twenty shows.

He says I would take you to the grand opera only it would be throwing money away because we can hear Ed Walsh for nothing.

Walsh has got some voice Al a loud high tenor.

He says it won’t make much difference what you pitch today. I says Oh, yes, it will because Callahan thinks enough of me to work me against Johnson and I want to show him he didn’t make no mistake.

Then Gleason says No he didn’t make no mistake. Wasteing Cicotte or Scotty would of been a mistake in this game.

Well, Johnson whiffs Weaver and Chase and makes Lord pop out in the first inning. I walked their first guy but I didn’t give Milan nothing to bunt and finally he flied out. And then I whiffed the next two.

P.S. Hazel probibly would of insisted on us takeing a trip to Niagara falls or somewheres but I know Violet will be perfectly satisfied if I take her right down to Bedford.

Oh you little yellow house.

Friend Al: Well Al we have got them beat three games to one now and will wind up the serious tomorrow sure. Callahan sent me in to save poor Allen yesterday and I stopped them dead. But I don’t care now Al.

She made me sware that I did not never care nothing about them and that was easy because it was the truth. So she come back to the hotel with me just like I knowed she would when I ordered her to.

They must not be no mistake about who is the boss in my house.

Some men lets their wife run all over them but I am not that kind. You know me Al.

He says Sure they would be glad to have her along. And then I says Would the club pay her fair?

He says I guess you must of spent that $100 buying some nerve.

He says Have you not got no sisters that would like to go along to? He says Does your wife insist on the drawing room or will she take a lower birth? He says Is my special train good enough for her?

Which shall it be? I says How can you keep me or send me to Milwaukee when Detroit has allready claimed my services?

He says Detroit has claimed a lot of things and they have even claimed the pennant but that is not no sign they will win it.

He says And besides you would not want to pitch for Detroit because then you would not never have no chance to pitch against Cobb and show him up.

And I told him Yes I am. He says Yes you look in shape like a barrel. I says They is not no fat on me and if I am a little bit bigger than last year it is because my mussels is bigger.

He says Yes your stumach mussels is emense and you must of gave them plenty of exercise.

Wait till Bodie sees you and he will want to stick round you all the time because you make him look like a broom straw or something. I let him kid me along because what is the use of getting mad at him?

But what does he do but wait out there till I start for the box and I says Get on to the bench you lucky stiff or do you want me to hand you something? He says I don’t want nothing more of yourn.

I allready got your girl and your goat.

Well Al what do you think of a man that would say a thing like that? And nobody but a left hander could of. If I had of had a gun I would of killed him deader than a doornail or something.

Well Florrie and Marie was both up and the baby was up too—that is he was not up but he was woke up. I beat it right into the room where he was at and Florrie come in with me.

I says Hello Al and what do you suppose he done.

Well Al he did not say Hello pa or nothing like that because he is not only one month old. But he smiled at me just like as if he was glad to see me and I guess maybe he was at that.

P.S.

Babys is great stuff Al and if I was you I would not wait no longer but would hurry up and adopt 1 somewheres.

Old Pal: What do you think Al. Kid Gleason is comeing over to the flat and look at the baby the day after tomorrow when we don’t have no game skeduled but we have to practice in the a.m. because we been going so rotten.

Al:

I bet if Florrie was a man she would be a left hander.

What do you think she done now Al? I sent her a telegram from New York when I did not get no letter from her and she did not pay no atension to the telegram.

I says You better take poison yourself because maybe a rotten pitcher like you could get by in the league where you’re going when you die. Then

I says Besides I would rather my baby was X-eyed then to have him left handed.

He says It is better for him that he is X-eyed or else he might get a good look at you and then he would shoot himself. I says Is that so? and he shut up.

I says You better take poison yourself because maybe a rotten pitcher like you could get by in the league where you’re going when you die. Then I says Besides I would rather my baby was X-eyed then to have him left handed.

He says It is better for him that he is X-eyed or else he might get a good look at you and then he would shoot himself.

I says Is that so? and he shut up. Little Al is not no more X-eyed than you or I are Al and that was what made me sore because what right did Allen have to talk like that when he knowed he was lying?

So when Florrie come in and heard us talking she busted out crying and then I found out what they put over on me.

It is a wonder Al that I did not take some of that cheap furniture them Allens got and bust it over there heads, Allen and Florrie.

This is what they done Al.

… them and even if they did not bite your feet clean off there bite is poison and gives you the hiderofobeya and when you get that you start barking like a dog and the water runs in to your mouth and chokes you to death.

Then he says Of coarse if you can swim with out useing your feet you are all OK but they is very few can do that and especially in the pacific Ocean because they got to keep useing there hands all the time to scare the sord fish a way so when you dont dare use your feet and your hands is busy you got nothing left to swim with but your stumach mussles.

Then he says You should ought to get a long all OK because your stumach mussles should ought to be strong from the exercise they get so I guess they is not no danger from a man like you but men like Wiltse and Mike …

giants says he had a sore arm but where would he get a sore arm when he hadent did nothing for 2 wks. accept sale acrost the Ocean. I guess probily a fish bit his arm hey Al.

Some of these here would be a pitchers all ways have a alley buy when they loose a ball game and when they loose a ball game it aint never there falt but its some body else falt or they got a sore arm or a pane in there stumick or some thing.

but I wisht you could of been out there and seen the way the peopl act it and they wasent no seats for them in the bleachers but they set down on mats with there legs under them like a taylor or some thing and …

… so as a man could get some fresh air but wishing wont do no good and a man cant get nothing by wishing and I supose Scott and Benz and them wishs they had my fast 1 but them wishing it wont fool no batters.

Wishs is fishs as they say.

Well old pal Im going to get my cloths off and lay on the bed and thats a bout the only way you can keep your self from smuthering to deth.

old.

I wisht you could be there when he sees me Al and see how he acts when he sees his daddy

and I bet he wont cry because I will make some of them comical faces at him and make him laugh even if he dont know who I am.

You don’t see none of them umpireing in our league but at that they couldn’t be no worse than the ones we got.

Some of ours is so crooked they can’t lay in a birth only when the trains making a curve.

But speaking about the war Al you couldn’t keep me out of it only for Florrie and little Al depending on me for sport and of course theys the ball club to and I would feel like a trader if I quit them now when …

But anyway I was glad to get home and see Florrie and little Al and honest Al he is cuter than ever and when he seen me he says “Who are you?”

Hows that for a 3 year old?

Well things has been going along pretty good at home while I was away only it will take me all summer to pay the bills Florrie has ran up on me and you ought to be thankfull that Bertha aint 1 of these Apollos thats …

So she says “I don’t have to stand behind no counter but I can go in business for myself and make more then you do.” So I said “Yes you can” and she didn’t have no come back.

Imagine Al a girl saying she could make more money then a big league pitcher.

Probably theys a few of them that does but they are movie actors or something and I would like to see Florrie try to be a movie actor because they got to look pleasant all the time and Florrie would strain herself.

I asked him what they would do with the boys that wasn’t excused and if they would send them right over to France and he says No they would keep them here till they learned to talk German. He says

“You can’t fight nobody without a quarrel and you can’t quarrel with a man unless they can understand what you are calling them.”

So I asked him how about the aviators because their machines would be makeing so much noise that they couldn’t tell if the other one was talking German or rag time and he said “Well if you are in an areoplane and you see a …

Dear Al:

Well Al the one that laughs last gets all the best of it.

Wait till you hear what come off today.

We got a fine bunch in my Co. Al and its a cinch I won’t never die in the trenchs because I will be murdered in my bed before we ever get out of here only they don’t call it bed in the army.

They call it bunk and no wonder.

Well Al I have been here since Wed.

And what do you think he said Al? He says “I am talking to God.”

Well Al the connection couldn’t of been very good you might say because he kept asking the same question over and over and not getting no answer

but how was I to know when the party at the other end would speak up and maybe say yes and they wasn’t nobody closer to him then me for him to work on so you can see what a fine nights rest I got …

with no place to wear his hat.

Well Al a corporal isn’t the highest officer in the army but its a step up and everybody has got to start at the bottom and Napoleon started as a corporal

and the soldiers was all nuts about him and called him the little Corporal and maybe they will give me a nick name like that only of course it won’t be the little corporal because that would be like calling Jess Willard Tiny Jess or …

Well I hope they are wrong because I would rather live in the trenches then one of these billets where they got us and between you and I Al its nothing more then a barn.

Just think of a man like I Al thats been use to nothing only the best hotels in the big league and now they got me staying in a barn like I was a horse or something

and I use to think I was cold when they had us sleeping with imaginery blankets out to Camp Grant but I would prespire if I was there now after this and when we get through here they can send us up to the north …

And she never asked me did I need anything or how was I getting along. And she enclosed a snapshot of herself in one of these here war bride outfits and she looks so good in it that

I bet she goes to church every Sunday and asks god to prolongate the war.

Somewheres in France, Feb. 16.

Bat. But its the same in war like in baseball and you got to have 1 man running it.

With a lot of different gens. in command, 1 of them might tell the men to charge while another was telling them to pay cash.

Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have overtook a section up along the Moose river and I wouldn’t dast write about it only its been printed in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away no secrets to the Dutchmens.

… there nests is at and then they get all their best marksmens and aim at where they think the snipper has got his nest and then its good night snipper and he is either killed right out or looses a couple of legs or something.

I certainly feel sorry for the boys that’s wounded Al and every time we see a bunch of them all us boys is crazy to get up there to the front and get even for what they done.

Well old pal I will half to get busy now and overlook the dope I have got on Shaffer so as I will have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I will write and let you know how things comes out.

Well old pal they hasn’t nothing happened and I only wished they would because anything would be better than laying around here and

I would rather stop a shell and get spread all over Europe then lay around here and die a day at a time you might say.

Well I would of wrote you before only we was on the march and by the time night come around my dogs fret me so bad I couldn’t think of nothing else and when they told us we was comeing up here I thought of …

Well I suppose you think its pretty quite there at home nights and I use to think so to but believe me Al,

Bedford at 2 o’clock in the a.m. is a bowling alley along the side of 1 of these here listening posts.

It may sound funny but I would of gave a month’s pay if somebody would of shot off a fire cracker or anything to make a noise. There was the bosh trench about 20 yds.

… of interfered because I am the only 1 of them that has got a heart Al and the only reason Alcock and Brady is so sick now is that they are scared to death of what will happen to them if they get found out.

Because their smartness won’t get them nothing up in front of the Court Marshall as he has seen to many birds just like them.

Well Al I am on post duty tonight and maybe you don’t know what that means. Well old pal its no Elks carnivle at no time and just think what it will be tonight with your ears straining for a cry from out there.

… set up all night in a poker game with the sky for the limit and when they come home their wife asked them to play a hand of jack straws to see which one of them had to stick the ice card in the window.

No man can do themself justice Al if you don’t take your work in ernest whether its pitching baseball or takeing a bath.

Besides that Al I figure that even a man like I am that’s put up like a motor Laura you might say can’t last forever in baseball and why not quit wile you are young and have still got the old ambition to start out …

So I said “I have got a charge acct. here and here is where my wife does pretty near all her shoping.”

So he said “Well if we was to give jobs to all our customers why as soon as they had all reported for work in the a.m. we could close the doors and get along without a floor man.”

Well Al all as I could do was walk away from him as I couldn’t very well take a wallop at his jaw on acct. of his asst. being my pal.

… in charge and they showed me to an old bird that must of began to work for them the day they struck gas and I told him my name and who I was and he said about the only thing open was meter readers so

I said “Read them yourself” and come away.

That’s the kind of birds we have got here Al but they can’t all be that way and the next time I will wait for them to come to me before I go around and lay myself libel to insults from a bunch of pro …

of money as it would mean I would half to stay awake 24 hrs. per day as this little bird don’t never close her eyes and

I only wished they was a few umpires like her in the American League and maybe a man could get something like a square deal.

I have often heard people that had babys brag about how good they was and slept all the wile except when they was getting their chow but little Florrie ain’t no relation to them or neither is little Al as he was just as bad …

So he asked me what business I was going in to and I told him I had an offer from the Stock Yards.

So he said “How much do they offer for you on the hoof?”

Well we kidded along back and 4th like that for a wile and finely he said he was going out somewheres with Comiskey so I asked him if he wasn’t going to talk business to me 1st.

I told him that this a.m. and he said

“Well they’s no danger of you ever comeing late to a meal and the only thing I am a scared of is that you will get here before they open up the dinning rm. and bust down the door and get us put out of the hotel.”

Well Al I am glad of 1 thing and that is most of the people stopping at the hotel is men and very few gals not that the gals would make any differents in my young life only in most of these southern hotels they’s …

So Cicotte says “Its no wonder the Germans took such a licking in them places as the whole American army was there.” So Belden said oh no they wasn’t and what made him think that. So Cicotte said “

Because every soldier I have seen that’s came back from France was in the Oregon forest and Bellow Woods.

”

and every time they would show a picture Cicotte would ask Belden if he was there and he said yes every time and finely Cicotte asked him how long he was in France all together and he said 4 mos, so Cicotte said

“Well if you was only in France 4 mos. and seen all them places its no wonder you wasn’t shot as you never stood still a minute.”

Well Al this is the last letter you will get from me here as I will be busy packing up tomorrow and saying good by to my friends but I will try and drop you a line from Houston or somewheres along the line and …

Well Cobb hollered at me and said “You didn’t put that strike acrost on me.”

So I said “No why should I put strikes acrost on you when I can hit your bat and get 2 out at a time?”

You ought to of heard the boys give him the laugh.

So I said “You tell me who this bird is that called up on the phone.” Soshesaid

“I thought they was only the 2 babys in this apartment but it seems like there is 3.”

So then she went in her rm. and shut the door.

She was just setting down Al and she wasn’t alone.

Well Al I had to look up there twice to make sure I wasn’t looking cock eyed.

But no I was seeing just what was there and what I seen was she and a man with her if that’s what you want to call him.

Well Al I didn’t get one anywheres near close for Strunk and walked him and it was Ruth’s turn.

The next thing I seen of the ball it was sailing into the right field bleachers where the black birds sets. And that’s all I seen of the ball game.

Well old pal I didn’t stop to look up in the stand on the way out and I don’t remember changing clothes or nothing but I know I must of rode straight down town and when I woke up this a.m.

all the way it didn’t seem more then 5 minutes when we come to where Miss Mulvihill lived and dropped her off and I seen her to the door and I said to her how did she like my friend Mr. Dorgan and she said

“Why don’t you speak for yourself John?”

How is that Al she calling me John the 1st time she ever seen me and I didn’t know they was anybody realy knew my name was John as they all been calling me Jack ever since I was a knee high grass hopper you …