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Fred Gross Stories

by Ring Lardner

Length: 57,109 words, about 228 pages, about 4 hours to read

Short stories, Satire and humour

Read Fred Gross Stories free, starting with its best pages and lines below. Listen to it free too, read aloud by your phone's own voice.

What it is

A police detective attempts to live the American dream in the Chicago suburbs.

The best passages

Pages from the book itself, chosen to make you want to read on. Each opens in the reader at that exact spot.

Own Your Own Home

Chicago, May 3⁠—

Brother Charley. I bet when you here what I & Grace has made up our minds you & Mary will wisht you was doing the same thing or may be you will follow our exampel & do the same thing & I hope you will because its the only way to live when you got childern.

Charley we made up our minds to buy a place some wheres out in the subburbs & build a house not a grate big house of corse but a house where a man can move a round in with out bumping in to the walls all the wile and have enough ground so the childern wont half to be cooped up all the day like in a flat but can run around & get some exxersise.

The other day the Walters come to see us & stayed all p.m. & little Ed & the baby both of them hollered all the wile they was there & when the Walters had went I says to Grace its a bout time you lerned them babys to shut there mouth when we got Co. & says I can’t do nothing with them because there cooped up in the flat all day & dont never get out & how can you expect them to be nothing but cross & mean all the wile. She says you are makeing good money now & I dont see why is it we cant find a place out in the country some

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Welcome to Our City

She told me all a bout it when she come home. A womman come to the door & Grace says how do you do Mrs. Hamilton I was afrade youd be out & the womman says who did you want to see & Grace says you or Mr. Hamilton or the both of them & the womman says I will see are they in. So the womman says what name & Grace says Grace Gross & the womman says have you got a card a long with you & Grace dident have none but the cards I had printed so she give her one of them. They set me back $.50 for 100 of them Charley but I thot I might as well make it a good 1 wile I was doing it & besides if Grace dont loose none of them 100 should ought to last her untill shes called on the hole town. The cards says on them F. A. Gross asst. Chief of Detectives Chicago Police dept. & then down on the bottom 20 years in the service in red tipe.

The higher girl left Grace standing in the vestry bull & pretty soon a man come out & he was Mr. Hamilton & he ast Grace to come in the parler & set down so Grace went in & Mr. Hamilton says what can I do for you & Grace was kind of im barrist & couldent say nothing & Mr. Hamilton says aint you made a miss take or may be you think I can give you

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The Swift Six

After the garrage had a hold of the car fixing it for pretty near a wk. and promiseing every day that I could have it tomorrow they finely give it to me yesterday and give me a bill for $7.50. So I says I would settle the 1 of next month and I got in and drove her out to see how she run a minute and it was such a nice day that I says why shouldent I drive down town and so I started and got along fine and of coarse I was a little shakey going in the loop the 1st time but I was OK till I got to 5th ave. and Washington st. and then 1 of the traffic men hollered at me. It was Jerry Donahue. So I says Hello Jerry and kept on going but he hollered for me to stop and when I stopped I was right in the middle of the car tracks. So he come up to the side of the car and then he sees who I was and I says Whats the matter with you stopping a old pal and he says I dident know you at 1st but I jest noticed you was driveing without no lisence. Well Charley that was the 1st time I thought about a lisence. So I told Jerry Id forgot about it and he says You better get 1 or all the boys will be stopping you so he says your blocking up the traffic so beat it. So then I found out all of a sudden that my engine wasent runing and it had died on me and I stuck my ft. on the starter peddle and Id forgot to stick the gear in neutruls

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10 of the best lines

I give him $100 to worry for me & then I take his job a way from him.

Own Your Own HomeKeep reading from here

Suckers see Charley.

Welcome to Our CityKeep reading from here

We aint use to receiving calls from female detectives.

Welcome to Our CityKeep reading from here

I guess Grace thinks wear runing the county hospitle or some thing.

The Last LaughKeep reading from here

Thats what a man gets for not bean no cheap skate Charley

Uncivil WarKeep reading from here

I will tip them over on there ear.

War BribesKeep reading from here

Give me what this here Swift Six has cost me all ready Charley and I will sell it to you fob Chicago and no questions ast.

The Swift SixKeep reading from here

A fine investmunt that was hay Charley

The Swift SixKeep reading from here

And you dont half to build no new garrage to keep them in because theys plenty of rm. for them right in the house.

The Swift SixKeep reading from here

All your life is just 1 long vacation you and the kids both.

Fore!Keep reading from here

All 16 Fred Gross Stories quotes, with the words around each

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Contents

  1. Own Your Own Home
  2. Welcome to Our City
  3. The Last Laugh
  4. Uncivil War
  5. War Bribes
  6. The Swift Six
  7. Fore!

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About this edition

Text from Standard Ebooks. Standard Ebooks dedicate their edition to the public domain (CC0 1.0). Every passage and line on this page is the book's own words, checked against the text.