Captain Jinks, Hero quotes

No one had ever asked Colonel Jinks where he had obtained his title. In fact, he had never put the question to himself. It was an integral part of his person, and as little open to challenge as his hand or his foot.

There are favored regions of the world’s surface where colonels, like poets, are born, not made, and good fortune had placed the colonel’s birthplace in one of them.

For the benefit of those of my readers who may be prejudiced against war, and in justice to the colonel, it should be stated that the only military thing about him was his title.

“What’s in that box in the hall, Colonel Jinks?” he asked in an embarrassed voice at supper, as he fingered the edge of the tablecloth and looked blushingly at his plate.

“Oh, that?” replied his father with a wink⁠—“that’s a bombshell.”

And a bombshell indeed it proved to be for the Jinks family.

From that day he bent his little energies to the task of removing his family to Homeville.

It is not so much strength as perseverance which moves the world.

Colonel Jinks had laid up a competence and had always intended to retire, when he could afford it, to the market town. Among other things, the school facilities would be much better in town than in the country. Mrs.

“Well—ye-es—perhaps, but I didn’t mean that exactly,” answered Cleary.

“But somehow I feel more like hitting a fellow over the head when I’m in uniform than when I’m not, don’t you?”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” said Sam, “but I really think I do. Do you think they’ll hit us over the head?”

“Yes, of course; why shouldn’t it be?”

“I’m afraid,” he said, “that no one will know that I’ve been hazed.”

He was silent for a few minutes. Then a smile came over his face.

In old times we took the news as it came along, and that was all that was expected of us; but if we tried that way of doing things now, we’d have to shut up shop in a week.

When we need news nowadays we simply make it.

I don’t mean that we invent news—that doesn’t pay in the long run; people learn your game and you lose in the end. No, I mean that we create the events that make the news.

I rather think the habit must have been common to both services, and somehow we have nearly lost it. It’s a fine thing. It marks a man with noble symbols and mottoes, and commits him to an honorable life, indelibly I may say.”

“It’s a little like branding a mule,” said Cleary.

“Yes,” said Sam; “the brand shows who owns the mule, and the tattooing shows a man belongs to his country.”

“Wasn’t it glorious! Just think of sailing straight on, no matter how many torpedoes there were!” exclaimed Sam.

“They knew blamed well there weren’t any torpedoes,” answered Cleary.

“How could they have known? They hadn’t ever been here before? There might perfectly well have been a lot of them directly under them.”

“I’m afraid we’re not quite ready,” said Sam.

“No army ever is,” replied Stroud laconically.

“I wish the general were a little livelier and quicker,” said Sam, blushing at his own blasphemy.

“It’s better so,” said Sam to his adjutant.

“Make war as bad as possible and people will keep the peace. We are the real peacemakers.”

He heard shouts and cries as he passed through the villages, and had reason to think that the soldiers were not contented with mere looting, but he did not inquire. He took his supper with the general at his headquarters.

Just think what a hell it would be! What infernal engines of hatred and destruction they would construct, if they were left to themselves—machines charged with dynamite and bristling with all sorts of explosive contrivances!”

“Something like a battleship,” suggested Cleary.

“Don’t talk nonsense!” exclaimed Sam. “Only Castalian fiends would try to destroy law and order and upset the peaceable course of society in such a way. Do you suppose that any of our people at home would do such a thing?”

There were some darkies plowing up there just this side of San Diego, and some of our fellows picked them off as neatly as you please. It must have been eight hundred yards if it was a foot. But somehow I don’t quite like it.”

“War is war,” said Sam, using a phrase which presumably has a rational meaning, as it is so often employed by reasonable people.

“It doesn’t pay to be squeamish. The squeamish men don’t make good soldiers. I’ve seen enough to learn that. They hesitate to obey orders, if they don’t like them.”

“I don’t see why,” said Sam.

“On the whole I think that a placard would be better,” said Cleary.

“Everybody would be sure to understand it. ‘I performed such and such an heroic action on such and such a day, signed John Smith.’ Print it in big letters and then stand around graciously so that people could read it through when they wanted to.

She seemed to have a contempt for the whole military establishment, insisted on calling him “young man,” although he was a colonel, usually addressed lieutenants as “boys,” and laughed at uniforms, salutes, and ceremonies of all kinds.

“Men are the silliest things in the world,” she said one day.

“Do you suppose women would have a War Department that spent a lot of money on bombshells to blow people up and then a lot more on Red Cross Societies to piece them together again?

His neighbor laughed too, then another and then another, until the whole native multitude was laughing.

The laugh rippled along the shore through the long stretch of natives collected there like the swells from a passing steamer.

It seemed to extend back from the shore through the whole town, and, though it was undoubtedly fancy, Sam thought he heard it spreading, like the rings from a stone thrown into the water, over the entire land. The foreigners stood aghast.

“Breakfast at 6—inspection of infantry at 6:30—naval maneuvres at 8—reception of our officers at 10:30—reception of foreign officers at 11:30—reception of civilians at 12—luncheon at 12:30—photographer from 1 to 3. We have made no appointments after 3, Your Majesty.”

“Then put down the punitive expedition for 3:15,” said the warlord, twisting his mustache in front of his eyes.

“I propose to have this whole nation kowtow before me in unison before I leave their miserable land. Take the necessary measures at once for the ceremony. Now I am going to call out the whole garrison and see if they are kept in readiness.

“I am glad to see an officer of your country here, General,” said His Majesty. “May I ask your name? Ah, Jinks! I have heard your name before. What do you think of expansion, General?”

“I beg Your Majesty’s pardon,” said Sam, “but I do not think. I obey orders.”

The Emperor gave an exclamation of surprise and delight.

In the first moments of waking and before he opened his eyes, he could not recall what it was that was troubling him. Suddenly the whole situation came back to him, tenfold clearer than before.

He saw at once beyond all possibility of contradiction that he could not shoot Marian, no matter who ordered him to do it;

that for him the ideal of a perfect soldier was altogether unattainable, and that he was obliged to admit to himself that his entire life was a failure.

I believe they had the grace to turn the war pictures in the conference room to the wall.

But fancy sending butchers to a conference in the interests of vegetarianism!

Of course nothing was done or could be done there. And the Emperor in his uniform, drunk with militarism, wanted us—all our nation—wanted me—to kowtow before him as if he were a god! But he did not get what he wanted from us.

I think they have a right to complain of us. Why, there’s one of our soldiers in the steerage with seventeen of their pigtails with the scalps still fastened to them as trophies!

Old Chung says our ribbons and decorations are the equivalent of the scalps dangling at a savage’s belt.

I didn’t tell him we had the genuine article. But, come, you had better turn in. You’ll have a hard day tomorrow. I’ve advertised your coming for all I was worth, and if they don’t give you a send-off at St.

“Don’t you know?” said the Mayor, laughing.

“It’s ‘Captain Jinks.’ You’ll know it well enough before you are here long. Listen.”

Sam listened and heard sung for the first time lines that were to be imprinted upon his tympanum until they became a torture:

Kisco. Look at today’s papers! Thirteen places have petitioned to have their post-offices named after you. There will be Jinksvilles and Jinkstowns everywhere, and one is called Samjinks. Then they’re naming their babies after you like wildfire.

Samuela is becoming a common girl’s name, and one chap has called his girl Samjinksina.

All the girls are practising the Jinks limp, too. I saw one huge picture of you painted on the dead side of a house. It was an ad of the ‘Captain Jinks 5-cent Cigar.’ That’s the limit of a man’s ambition, I should say.